This one wrote it down.
Ponchik is a housecat in Brantford, Ontario. Indian dad, Ukrainian mum, a new baby called Yuta. By day he judges his humans and pretends not to love them. At 3 a.m. he headlines The Litter Box, the comedy club in his backyard shed. And secretly, he's on a mission.
Stand-up from the shed in his backyard. One mic, a stool, a glass of milk, and an audience of cats who came in off the street. Specials premiere Fridays in November.
When the show ends, the shed becomes a theatre. His friends act out Chekhov, Poe, Premchand and Andersen, in English and Hindi, for a baby who can't watch yet.
For years, his mum read to him every night from the shelf of old books. Then Yuta arrived. The nights went to the baby, and the reading stopped.
So Ponchik picked up where she left off. At 3 a.m., while the house sleeps, his friends come in from the street, through the backyard, into the shed, and act out the great old stories. Pistachio films every one on Mum's old phone. The humans have no idea.
He's saving them for the day Yuta is old enough. Real stories and real values, handed down. Not another video of humans dancing around their cat.
Every story here is about the same thing: what we're given, and what we pass on.
He'd never admit the club is for the baby. Ask him and it's "for the archive", or "because nobody else will". You know better.
Full sets, recorded in the shed at zoomies hour, in front of every cat on the street.
"My name means little donut in Ukrainian. Which is an insult to an apex predator. I picked up her accent and none of her patience."
"A bald creature arrived in a swaddle. Suddenly I am second in the house hierarchy. I didn't sign the union papers for this."
"They spent eighty-five dollars on a carpeted tree. Two hours assembling screws. I sleep in the cardboard box it arrived in."
Read them before the room does. Four of them you can hear, as he did them in the shed.
“Palace is for your vanity. Box is for my soul.”
Next time, save eighty dollars. Just order empty cardboard.
“You did not rescue me. You were lonely on a Sunday afternoon.”
That is not a rescue mission. That is a hostage exchange.
“I did not invite you. I displayed luxury goods.”
Belly is visual exhibit only. Read terms and conditions.
“You built a spaceship you cannot fly without a password.”
And now you are trapped inside by a light bulb. Very smart home. Truly.
“I am roommate, not employee.”
You dropped it. You have two legs. Go get it yourself.
“The new human potato and I have established telepathic communication.”
We are both victims of the same regime.
The greatest stories ever written are free. Their authors are dead. So his friends act them out in the shed, Pistachio films it on Mum's old phone, and it all waits here for Yuta. In English and Hindi, because that's how the house talks.
English
15 years in isolation for $2 million. No phone, no internet, no human contact. Then the night before the deadline, the banker goes broke.
हिंदी
2 मिलियन डॉलर के लिए 15 साल की क़ैद। ना फ़ोन, ना इंटरनेट। आख़िरी रात जब अमीर आदमी अंदर गया, तो मेज़ पर एक चिट्ठी रखी थी।
English
He is not mad. He just hated that vulture eye. He buried him under the floorboards, and then the police arrived for a cup of tea.
हिंदी
वो पागल नहीं है… बस उस गिद्ध जैसी आँख से नफ़रत करता है। फ़र्श के नीचे छुपा दिया, फिर पुलिस चाय पीने आ गई।
English
Two identical doors in an arena. Behind one, a bride. Behind the other, a hungry tiger. The princess knows the secret. Which door does she point to?
हिंदी
एक दरवाज़े के पीछे दुल्हन, दूसरे के पीछे ख़ूंख़ार टाइगर। राजकुमारी जानती थी किसमें क्या है। उसने कौन सा दरवाज़ा चुना?
English
Premchand's Shatranj ke Khiladi reimagined in modern Brooklyn. Their block was being demolished by developers. They couldn't stop playing chess.
हिंदी
मोहल्ला गिर रहा था, बुलडोज़र खड़े थे… और ये दोनों मोहरे हिला रहे थे। घर के लिए नहीं लड़े, एक प्यादे के लिए लड़ मरे।
English
The richest tycoon in the state was caught smuggling at midnight. He handed the rookie officer a blank cheque. The inspector refused.
हिंदी
अरबपति ने ख़ाली चेक दिया: कोई भी रक़म भर लो। दारोग़ा बंशीधर नहीं झुका। जब नौकरी गई, तब वही अरबपति उसके घर आया।
English
A Silicon Valley tech billionaire pays $12 million for invisible nano-fabric only smart people can see. 10,000 crowd members cheer until one kid laughs.
हिंदी
12 मिलियन डॉलर का सूट जो सिर्फ़ समझदारों को दिखता है। पूरी जनता चुप रही, जब तक एक बच्चे ने सच नहीं बोल दिया।
They come in from the street through the backyard at 3 a.m. A friend can play the hero in one story and the villain in the next, like a real repertory company. The director claims he only does it for the archive.
Host on stage. Director after hours. Never on the Club’s stage himself.
A housecat in Brantford, Ontario, with an Indian dad and a Ukrainian mum. Named after a donut, which he considers an insult to a predator. Headliner at The Litter Box during zoomies hour; after the show, director of the Dead Authors Club, in a green apron with a Y on it.
Inherited niceness. It’s hurting him.
Sage green, lanyard always on. The nervous one who never volunteered, and the one who films everything on Mum’s old phone.
Roles The lawyer in The Bet · the accused in The Lady, or the Tiger? · the assistant in The Chess Players · Officer No. 2 in The Tell-Tale Heart · Vance in Namak ka Daroga · the chief of staff in The Emperor’s New Clothes
Inherited money, not meaning.
Plum purple, very round, gold pocket-watch chain. His father is still alive and still runs things, which explains a lot.
Roles The investor in The Bet · the mogul in The Lady, or the Tiger? · Mirza in The Chess Players · the landlord in The Tell-Tale Heart · Alden in Namak ka Daroga · the Emperor in The Emperor’s New Clothes
The neighbourhood cynic. Loves rules.
Orange tabby, round spectacles, brown cardigan. Questions every bit of human logic. Turns thirty soon.
Roles Mir in The Chess Players · Officer No. 1 in The Tell-Tale Heart · Vance’s dad in Namak ka Daroga · the hype-man in The Emperor’s New Clothes
The smartest cat in any room.
Silver-blue coat, pearls. Calm, composed, and watching the neighbourhood drama with mild amusement.
Roles The princess in The Lady, or the Tiger? · Mirza’s wife in The Chess Players
Nothing was ever handed down to him.
Charcoal grey, torn ear, black turtleneck. Given up as a kitten. He and Ponchik understand each other without talking.
Roles The night guard in The Bet · the narrator in The Tell-Tale Heart · the organiser in The Chess Players · the lawyer in Namak ka Daroga · the technical co-founder in The Emperor’s New Clothes
Asks the questions adults avoid.
Ginger-and-white kitten in an oversized red scarf, about five in human years. Fearless, unfiltered, chews on props.
Roles The kid who laughs in The Emperor’s New Clothes. More to come.